Lesser Love

{A tale of imperfection}

"My spirit writes checks
My soul cannot cash: O Lord,
Will You redeem them?"

"Nothing touches God's
Heart so deeply with love as
Our beautiful misery--to
Only wish to serve Him."


All my Christian life
I've struggled with this--
I want to serve God out of love--
An honest love, a core-deep belief
In His perfect goodness and loving-kindness--
But I cannot.
Such is not my experience.
I come into the temple of His words
With the char and gore of the battlefield
I so desperately want His help upon.
"Heal my friends.  Answer why Hell
For those who cannot see You,
Such as I was.  Whom I love.  As You must.
Yes, John 14:21, You gave me
As to why You called my name,
But Lord,
Lord...

I can't stop pleading Your grace--
You promised a greater love.
Who will speak for them,
When they cannot hear Your voice?
This is ever our duty,
To throw ourselves down
Before You, crying Mercy--
When will You hear us?
No greater love hath anyone than this--
To lay down their lives to beg your pardon.

I beg your pardon?
How come our faults, though many,
Reach such a measure
That not only life
Be suffering, but death more?

Thy all-worthy sacrifice
Seems not to free me
From this dread duty.
Can I climb upon Your tree
And nail another sign
Above your bloodied head,
Like the ninety-five theses--
"Accept Jesus or Go To Hell"?

Far be it from me
To do so, rather if You
Would condemn those who cannot see You,
Cannot know Your love
In better ways than threats,
Then do not stay Your hand
Against me, and alone,
An imperfect, brave, and futile
Sacrifice of love
I pledge in exchange for these,
And do not cease until
You take the check from my limp spirit--
With love in Your voice saying,
"Peace, you have found My heart
Again, Child, thank you."

It is then I know
That You have chosen me still,
For a purpose, even though
I cannot understand
Why You lead me so,
And what I must say
So they will understand
Your heart, and Your love,
So imperfectly glimpsed
By Your blind shepherd-girl.

Forgive me that I am
Stricken in heart unlike those
Who rejoice in Your great mercy,
Whose love is greater supposedly because
They have been forgiven more.
Do I not repent of enough
That I might love You more?
Must I offend You, push You
Recklessly, for those I love
And those I only assume, like me,
Would love You better given
Clearer reason to?

Thus my prostration,
Near desperation
Braving conflagration,
Enduring desolation
Absent consolation,
Seeking inspiration
Of Your Sacred Heart and Holy Spirit dove
You drew with the clouds themselves
And permitted me to see.

Only this remains:
Scorched by mysteries, trailing
The dust of mem'ries--
Overcoming pain for love,
My spirit clutches Heaven's banner still
And cries, "Onward."

For His greater love,
Let me chase Him to Kingdom Come,
With all the tears and broken glory
Of my lesser love.


                -c2015, Debra Koehler